I am not relaxed. I'm beat. I'm exhausted. I'm flat worn out. I'm bushed, buggered, and running on fumes. My bones are weary and my muscles have gone... whatever the opposite of wibbly-wobbly is. The least unexpected noise propels me across the room. It's happened several times tonight. My son sneezed and, wham, I flew into the kitchen counter. My husband closed the cabinet door and, bam, I was suddenly holding myself up by my elbows on the dishwasher. In my case, saying I am relaxed would not be thinking positively, it would be denial.
It's not bad. I got out of cooking dinner and washing dishes.
Before I started having symptoms of Parkinson's, I remember reading about neuromuscular disorders in a medical book. There, right in the book, it talked about fatigue being a major challenge with any of these disorders. Ah, to be so naïve again! I assumed it meant the kind of cozy tired feeling you get after a busy day and not the heavy, aching feeling like when you have the flu and step out into traffic just as a steam roller is coming across your path. My other friends with Parkinson's and MS understand this well. A few others do, too, such as new parents, and teachers after the first week of school.
My docs gave me a drug (provigil) so I wouldn't get that feeling. As often happens, the drug didn't like me and I went off of it, figuring a couple cups of black tea in the morning would work almost as well. In the afternoon, I'd just take naps. Most of the time, this works just fine. Every now and then, when I least expect it, it doesn't. Oddly enough, it's when I am feeling exceptionally positive, that's when I will crash. When I'm feeling positive, I tend to do a lot. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell when doing is going to cross the line into overdoing.
I'm about to explore what might be a more wholistic way of dealing with this fatigue. The University of Colorado Health Sciences Center is conducting an acupuncture study for people with Parkinson's disease. The study is focused mainly on relieving fatigue. I just emailed the study coordinator for more information. I don't know yet whether I will qualify. The only part I'm concerned about is it's a blind study. Some participants will get placebo acupuncture.
If I am accepted, and can come to terms with the phrase, placebo acupuncture, I'll report on what happens. In the meantime, I've had a chance to sit for awhile, rest, and have a little Bailey's.
I'm starting to feel … relaxed!
Terri Reinhart
Honesty is the best policy, especially if what I say is in print for all to read and say, "Right, Terri. You didn't really do this, did you." I'll admit it. I did not follow through with the accupuncture study. Somehow, I just couldn't get past the possibility of "placebo accupuncture". On to plan B....